A row a day gets teens to develop, says study

Mar 17 2008 by Rin Simpson, Western Mail

IF YOUR child is acting like Harry Enfield’s stroppy adolescent Kevin, don’t despair – rowing with your teenager can strengthen your relationship.

A new study has revealed that although conflict may initially result in tears and tantrums, overall it can brings parents and their teens closer together.

And it’s the teenagers themselves who find arguments beneficial, according to adolescent development specialist Tabitha Holmes, of the State University of New York.

Ms Holmes, whose paper The Good, the Bad and the (not so) Ugly: Mothers’ and Adolescents’ Beliefs About Conflict is published this week, was herself surprised by the results.

She said, “While it is already known that conflict can be useful and healthy for adolescents – teaching them healthy identity formation, social-cognitive skills and complex reasoning – it was a complete surprise to me to discover during my research that teenagers themselves saw heated arguments as something that brought them close to their parents.

“Where their parents talked about how upsetting and destructive arguing with their child was, the adolescents were able to see how locking horns helped them to understand their parents’ points of view more clearly.

“They were also very aware that a good row forced them to think through, articulate and defend their opinions and desires.”

Ms Holmes commented that a conflict a day is about the right amount of rowing necessary to stay in close touch with the way your adolescent is developing, but added that only heated arguments – rather than calm, rational discussions – were effective in this way.